⁹Two people can accomplish more than twice as much as one; they get a better return for their labor. ¹⁰If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But people who are alone when they fall are in real trouble. ¹¹And on a cold night, two under the same blanket can gain warmth from each other. But how can one be warm alone? ¹²A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (NLT)

As I read this passage last week, my first reaction was to praise God for the perfect life partner He’s given me. My husband is God’s gift to me, given to demonstrate unconditional love.

As I read verse 12, however, I saw a much broader application. Verse 12 tells me a couple of things. First, it tells me that being alone is a dangerous place. The enemy will attack those who allow themselves to live a life without relationships. There are those who take pride in being a loner. Let me encourage you if you are one of those people to resist the label and the urge. Loners are people who are at risk.

Verse 12 tells us that the person standing alone can be attacked and defeated. The enemy will attack and has the ability to defeat the person standing alone. Knowing this, we ought to take care NOT to be alone. Even when that’s what it feels like we want, we need to ensure that there is at least one person around us to help fight our battles.

Conversely, when we see others who are alone, we can become that battle partner sometimes. This doesn’t mean we’re always in battle. It can also be the fun things we’re doing that makes the person not alone – those things are part of the battle. We’ve been having a lot of conversations about community in our house lately. Community, especially Christian community, offers protection against all sorts of trials the enemy will throw at us, and as Phil and I see the end times approaching we believe that Christian community will be more important than ever. But I digress.

This passage provides a great picture of a friend – one who stands back to back with the person to fight off their enemies; one who helps us out of a pit when we’ve fallen in it. A friend is not one who tears us down. If there is someone in your life who is tearing you down, they are not your friend. If you are tearing down someone in your life, you are not being their friend. We are called to be friends, encouragers, and bearers of one another’s burdens.

So I see the passage cautioning us to be purposeful and careful in developing relationships so that we have at least one friend who will always have our back. That often means reaching out when I want to draw back. It also cautions us to be that friend to someone else who needs it. Again, that often means reaching out when I want to draw back because the person who needs a friend may be someone who is difficult to friend. Perhaps, if the enemy has been attacking that person for a long time he has won the battle for his or her joy. Such a person needs someone to pull them out of the pit, to warm their soul and to have their back.

That kind of relationship can be difficult and the battle we help to fight can be a hard one. But then we have the last part of the verse: “a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.” It is that third strand, Christ in the midst of the relationship, that ensures our victory. He provides the strength – emotionally, physically and spiritually – to stand when we would rather rest. He provides the love when we would rather not love. He provides the wisdom when there seems to be no way to victory. He provides rest and nourishment in the midst of the battle.

As mom always said, “two heads are better than one.” Be purposeful in developing relationships in 2012. And be sure it’s not just the two of you in the relationship – seek out friendships with fellow believers and make Christ the center of your fellowship. For your protection and theirs…and for the glory of God.

Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
Psalm 139:23

There is an excellent blog called “Signs of a Struggle” written by Thom Hunter. Subtitled “compassionate truth for men and women who struggle with sexual brokenness,” it is extremely well written and gives very candid glimpses into the struggle and recovery while providing sound biblical perspectives on such topics as sin, guilt, shame, forgiveness and God’s tremendous grace. I’ve been reading the blog for a little while and wondered about sharing it with others. I’ve come to the point of believing that I am doing those who need Mr. Hunter’s blog a huge disservice by not sharing it.

I’d like to share a portion of a blog titled It Came from Within! I believe this portion of the author’s blog can challenge and minister to everyone. If you struggle with sexual sin or know someone who does (and you probably do whether you know it or not), I encourage you to read his entire blog. Everything following is excerpted from the blog.

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Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
Psalm 139:23

He [God] is not busy with someone else. He hears your prayer.

Search me. –Sometimes when I stand calmly before a mirror and focus on my own eyes, I think: “Do I know you?” This evokes moments of honesty, easily diverted with a toothbrush or by plugging in the shaver. God has no such distractions. Ask Him to really search you and He will not look away or busy Himself with the day’s preparations. He created the day and He placed you in it. He sees in and out and every way around.

Know me. – We want people to know what we want them to know, not really know us. God knows us. He knows not only that inner itch, but He knows what happened to us in the world to raise it to a level of irritation that demands we do whatever is in our power to seek relief. He knows that what might have been a bearable curiosity in me, for instance, was fully inflamed to major “I want” status by the double-whammy of father abandonment and childhood sexual abuse. But he also knows the pain some of you may feel because you find yourselves embroiled in a temptation and the only person you can point a finger at is yourself. It may be dissatisfying when there is no one else to blame, but the truth remains the same. Sin is sin. God wants to hear you say “know me.” He already does, of course, but He wants to know you want Him to know.

Test me. – God doesn’t test us the way the world tests us. He’s not the dangle-type, holding something just out of reach to see if we will wear ourselves out lunging along the edge of self-destruction. Remember…He does not tempt. So…can you trust Him to test you? If you asked Him to search you and to know you, then why not let Him test you to see if you know yourself as He does? God tests us to prepare us for victory, not defeat. So…search and know, just like you asked Him to do. Search His word; know His ways. Ask Him to test you. And don’t forget the answers to the bonus question:  “trust and obey.”

Know my anxious thoughts. – No wait…don’t. Not those thoughts. Isn’t that the way many of us approach life? Yet, here is the acknowledgement that we will have those anxious thoughts. You can’t hide them, not from God.

I get anxious sometimes. I listen to the reasoned arguments of people on both sides of the strugglers’ “personal problems.” Most of the time I just don’t like what I hear and I want to straighten it all out, make it clear, stop the pain, bring perfect understanding and healing rain for all. And then I realize that if I had it all figured out…then I would have it all figured out. Truth is, even if I did, why would people listen to me any more than they listen to God?

The very fact that you have lawsuits among you means you have been completely defeated already. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be cheated?
1 Corinthians 6:7

“Why not rather be wronged?” the Scripture asks. Well, I could come up with a boatload of reasons. Any of the following phrases or questions immediately come to mind:

• Doesn’t God want justice?
• Does God want His children to be taken advantage of?
• It’s disrespectful and I won’t be disrespected.
• Unrighteousness goes against everything I believe in – am I to walk away from injustice?
• They shouldn’t be allowed to get away with that!
• Well, it’s just plain wrong!

And yet, Paul writes that it is better to be wronged and cheated. I guess we should note for the record that if anyone has earned the right to make such a statement it was Paul. He experienced more than his fair share of persecution, false accusations, betrayals and character assassinations. Yet he continued to pursue God without bitterness and without holding back. There’s also no indication that he carried unforgiveness in his heart.

I admire that. I’ve been betrayed, falsely accused and had my character greatly maligned. I haven’t been stoned or beaten. Yet it took awhile for me to return to ministry without holding back part of my heart and my passion. There’s no indication that the Apostle Paul had a hint of hesitation to continue whole-heartedly.

I’ve been thinking about this abit – wondering where Paul got his undiluted commitment and passion. One word that comes to mind – it’s a word that God’s been highlighting a lot recently – perspective. Paul constantly kept his focus on bigger things – Christ and Him risen, Christ and His return.

I read a verse during a Bible study today that struck me more than it has in the past:

As the time approached for him to be taken up to heaven, Jesus resolutely set out for Jerusalem.
Luke 9:51

With His eyes on the prize – being taken up to heaven, Jesus resolutely walked toward His crucifixion.

The author of Hebrews summarized it this way:

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
Hebrews 12:2

As the time approached for Him to be taken up to heaven…for the joy set before Him…Jesus resolutely set out for Jerusalem…He endured the cross.

The Hebrews passage takes the next step – the one that moves Scripture from being a story about someone else to being a holy standard and motivation for our lives:

Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
Hebrews 12:3

Consider – think about – all Christ endured from sinful men so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. So that your focus isn’t on what’s been taken from you or what someone did to you or said about you…so that you don’t file lawsuits to fight for what is yours. It’s not worth it. Such an approach means we’ve already lost!

But, you might say, I may win and gain back the money (or whatever) that is owed me. Yes, but it wasn’t worth the price:

• The love that was killed in the process.
• The time that was spent pursuing things other than the Kingdom of God.
• The opportunities to practice so many disciplines – like humility and patience and kindness and silence.
• The opportunities to show forth the love and character of God by being forgiving and compassionate and joyful.

What I see is that when our eyes are on the prize, bickering, slandering, cheating one another and taking one another to court fall by the wayside. They become excess baggage that when dropped leave us with a load that is so light we run and jump with joy more easily.

Life isn’t always fun and it often isn’t fair. Christ promised that –

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33

But when our focus isn’t on this world, it doesn’t bother us nearly as much! Honest!

During this Summer of Praise, I’m working on fixing my eyes on Jesus…in all circumstances and at all times. How about you?

“The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.” [Jesus said]
Matthew 13:44

This is one of those passages we often use to teach about how valuable the Kingdom of Heaven is – it’s so wonderful that this man went out and sold all he had so that he could have it. I wonder how often we allow the passage to challenge us. If we have truly found the Kingdom of Heaven – that is, eternal life in Christ, do respond as this man did. There are two phrases in the passage that challenge me:

• Notice that the passage says “in his joy” he went and sold his possessions so that he could buy the field. Are we joyful in our obedience when it requires sacrifice on our part? If not, perhaps our focus is on the wrong thing – our focus should never be on our sacrifice, but on the wonderful treasure that will be ours – Jesus.

I have been convicted lately about how self-focused my life is at times. Yes, I regularly serve the Lord in a number of ways, but the self-focus comes in when I become aware of the cost of serving – generally, a loss of personal time, energy or finances. Perhaps that’s an indication that I sometimes allow my focus to get fuzzy or even all out of whack. Lord, help me to continue “in joy,” not giving recognition to any loss I might experience along the way.

• The passage also says that he sold “all he had” to purchase the field. Have I gone all in? (I can guarantee you that I have not.)

As pondered this passage in my mind, I was in an airport waiting for my flight. Not far from me there was a young couple with a little girl. She was perhaps about three years old – at the age where little girls love to walk on their tippy toes, almost bouncing from place to place. Her mom was standing next to several pieces of luggage while giving the little girl a bit of freedom before requiring her to sit quietly in an airplane for several hours. The little girl would get about fifteen feet away and her mom would call to her and tell her to come back. The little girl would obediently turn and bounce back to her mom. It occurred to me that at any second the child could choose to disobey (as children learning about freedom are want to do). I am fully confident that the mother wouldn’t hesitate to leave her belongings for a second to run after her child. I was standing there with my laptop bag between my legs, my arm resting on my purse with half an eye on my cell phone that was laid on the counter next to me charging while reading a book* and pondering this passage. I was ever aware that at any moment my treasured possessions could be pilfered if I wasn’t diligent in the crowded airport. Yet I’m certain this mom would gladly leave all her possessions behind (not even selling them as in the parable) if her most treasured possession began enjoying too much freedom.

In my heart, have I sold all my possessions to pursue the Kingdom of Heaven?  Am I willing to hear God say “give this away?” or “go here?” I want to believe that I am…

How about you? Is Jesus your most treasured possession and do you treat all your other possessions accordingly?

In my previous blog, I wrote about the disciplines practiced by early Christians before their baptism on Easter Sunday. They devoted themselves to prayer, repentance, fasting and giving. I have purposed in my heart to ask God to give me some person or organization to give financially to each week. We’re coming up on week three and God has been already identified where I am to give. It has been a joy to give, but in the back of my mind, I’m becoming aware that week four is coming up…And I’m starting to feel the financial pinch. I am excited about God using me…but it won’t be as easy in the coming weeks as it has been in the first couple of weeks. This is evidence that in my heart, I’m not “all in.”

I’m convinced that if I want to experience more of the Kingdom of Heaven, my heart needs to be predisposed to joyfully sell it all. Clearly Christ is worth the price.

How are you challenged to joyfully sell all you have? Share your story with me, as a comment below or on Facebook. As David Platt says in his book Radical, Taking Back Your Faith from the American Dream, “For when we abandon the trinkets of this world and respond to the radical invitation of Jesus, we discover the infinite treasure of knowing and experiencing him.”

*This blog was inspired by the first chapter of David Platt’s book Radical, Taking Back Your Faith from the American Dream, copyright 2010 by author, published by Multinomah Books ebooks, Colorado Springs, CO.

For this is the secret: Christ lives in you, and this is your assurance that you will share in his glory.
Colossians 1:27b (NLT)

²⁵I have become [the church’s] servant by the commission God gave me to present to you the word of God in its fullness—²⁶the mystery that has been kept hidden for ages and generations, but is now disclosed to the saints. ²⁷To [the saints] God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.
Colossians 1:25-227 (NIV)

Over the past two months there has been a constant theme in my spirit. I’ve tried to write about it again and again, but have yet been unsuccessful. Perhaps today will be different, and if it is, perhaps it is a message that needed to be put off until closer to Christmas.

The message, friends, is this: If you know Christ, “Christ lives in you” and that inner life, that life within, is your “hope of glory.” He who lives in you is with you all the time. Let me reiterate that. He who lives in you is with you ALL the time.

The implications of that statement are stretching me. Christ is in me and because of that, He goes with me…to every meeting, every event, every gathering. At this time of year, that means (dare I say it)…He is there when I attend those family events that sometimes bring out the worst in me. I mean absolutely no disrespect to my family. My family is a blessing to me. They are the people God has put in my life to love me and encourage me and…help me conform to the image of Christ.

At Christmas (and Thanksgiving and Easter and birthdays and other family-centered events), it’s very easy to fall into family roles. Those family roles do not always bring out the best in us. Well, in me anyway. I’m guessing I’m not unique in that. But God….But God…(I love the buts of God)…But God can make me different. In fact, He has made me different. In Christ, I am different from that child and young adult that I am so tempted to revert to at family gatherings. I have become a new creation and that creation carries the living God and the hope of eternity with her everywhere she goes.

The message, friends, is this: If you know Christ, “Christ lives in you” and that inner life, that life within, is your “hope of glory”…for you and those around you. Because when you attend those family gatherings (and gatherings of old friends as well), He goes with you. Christ is in the house because you have attended the gathering. He wants to impact each person in the building. And he probably wants to use you to do it!

How? Here are some ideas that challenge me.

• By reflecting Him in you instead of reverting back to that child and/or young adult.
• By showing unexpected kindness.
• By holding your tongue when you want to argue the same old arguments.
• By speaking gently instead of criticizing or speaking harshly.
• By remembering the good things instead of bringing up old hurts and disappointments.
• By embracing instead of walking away.
• By smiling instead of scowling.
• By taking an interest in the lives of others instead of remaining separate.
• By living as the new creation you have become instead of being fearful of what they will think of you.
• By loving.

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. ¹¹When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. ¹²Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13:4-13 (NIV)

Friends, Christ lives in you and He wants to impact those around you. Let His love shine through at your family gatherings this month.

¹If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

I’ve listened to music that sounded to my ears like clanging cymbals. (Oh, it makes me feel so old to say that.) I like most types of music, but I’ve heard the occasional home band that hasn’t quite found their stride. Perhaps each musician and singer was good, but put together, they couldn’t find the same key or timing. I couldn’t wait for the music to stop. The clashing and discordant noise literally hurt my ears. That’s what my voice sounds like when I am speaking without first having shown my love. That’s what my voice sounds like when I haven’t first proven my love. Ugh. My heart is pierced by the phrase “That’s what my voice sounds like.”

Lord, teach me to demonstrate love before I speak.

²If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.

Nothing. A vast emptiness. A void. The faith that can move mountains, the gift of being able to see what God is revealing, the ability to understand all mysteries and all knowledge – they all come to nothing – they all have no impact – if I am not operating out of love. Having those things and not having love – I am totally ineffectual – I am nothing.

Lord give me that faith that moves mountains. Enable me to understand the deep truths of Your Word. But first, Lord, give me love for others. Teach me to love as You love.

³If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

No sacrifice has meaning without love. My sacrifices gain nothing for me if I have not sacrificed out of love. When I think of sacrifice, my mind automatically assumes that the sacrifice is made out of love. Not true. Sacrifices are often made out of pride (I’ll sacrifice to show how disciplined or capable I am) or spite (what my mother used to describe as “biting off my nose to spite my face”) or duty. Nothing is gained from those sacrifices. It is the sacrifice made out of love that impacts the world.

^4aLove is patient.

Again. Love is patient again. And again, and again, and again. It hopes and waits expectantly – that’s patience.

^4bLove is kind.

Kindness has been lost to a large degree in our society. Treating others with respect and a positive attitude – it is a hallmark of love.

^4cLove does not envy.

Love is not jealous of the position, achievements or property of others. It rejoices over the blessings others receive without regard for our own situation. Has my annoyingly rich neighbor just gotten a promotion making him even richer? I will not envy, I will rejoice that he is being rewarded for his hard work and abilities.

Lord…help me to rejoice.

^4dLove does not boast.

Love cares too much about the other person to boast. When I boast I am elevating myself at the expense of others. That’s not love.

^4eLove is not proud.

Pride gets in the way of love. Like boasting, it requires that I elevate myself over others. I can’t serve when I am prideful.

Lord, help me to humble myself in all conversations and all venues.

^5aLove is not rude.

Patience and kindness are the antithesis of rudeness. Love is patient and kind. It is not rude – even to those around us who seem to invite us to be rude to them. Love especially smiles upon those people.

^5bLove is not self-seeking.

Rather, it seeks the best for others.

^5cLove is not easily angered.

Love holds to peace – at the expense of saying all those things we might want to say and of feeling all those things we might want to feel. When we are wronged or someone we love is wronged – love is not easily angered.

^5dLove keeps no record of wrongs.

There are no “I told you so’s” in love. There is no grudge-holding in love.

⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

Love does not rejoice at the misfortune of those who have sinned against us.

^7aLove always protects.

It doesn’t tell stories that would put others in a bad light. It doesn’t complain about the weaknesses of others. It protects – it shields and covers. (Please don’t interpret this wrongly. Love does not enable bad behavior.)

^7bLove always trusts.

Love is not suspicious. It always trusts.

^7cLove always hopes.

Hope – to expect with confidence. Love always anticipates the best – it is always waiting and looking for the best to appear. Sometimes I fall into expecting the worst from some people. That’s not love.

^7dLove always perseveres.

Love doesn’t give up. It continues to be patient and kind. It continues to protect and trust. It continues to keep no record of wrongs and it continues to hope.

^8aLove never fails.

One of the meanings for the word translated “fails” is “to be without effect.” Love never becomes ineffective. It always has an effect. Whether we see that effect or not, we can know that love is changing the situation and the person.

There are things that my husband is not that I would like him to be. Surprise! Or should I say “no surprise!” No single person is all we want them to be. I can choose to focus on those things he is not, but I wouldn’t be practicing love. I could keep track of all the times he fails me, but I would not be demonstrating love. I could lose patience with him because yet again he did things his way instead of my way, but I would not be showing him love. People don’t “fall out of love” – they quit practicing love.

Lord, there are many things I could benefit from practicing. Help me to make practicing love second nature – something I do daily.

It’s easy (ok, relatively easy) to apply this list to my husband, who has built up credits beyond credits in the “love bank;” but God has also called me to apply this list to those who are overdrawn in their love bank account. God has called me to apply this list to those who have haven’t even opened an account yet and to those who probably never plan to open an account.

Life gets wearisome. Love always hopes, perseveres and never fails. Keeping love alive takes a bit of conscious effort, but it shields us from the weariness that comes from living around those who are not practicing love.

^8bBut where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away…¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

That which we do out of love “remains” – it never ceases to have an effect, it endures, it lives on.

Father, give me a heart of love toward those around me. Let me see through eyes of love and hear through ears of love. But mostly, Lord, help me to respond as love would have me respond. Make me a mountain-mover, but first make me a lover.

¹Now the people complained about their hardships in the hearing of the LORD, and when he heard them his anger was aroused. Then fire from the LORD burned among them and consumed some of the outskirts of the camp. ²When the people cried out to Moses, he prayed to the LORD and the fire died down. ³So that place was called Taberah, because fire from the LORD had burned among them.

⁴The rabble with them began to crave other food, and again the Israelites started wailing and said, “If only we had meat to eat! ⁵We remember the fish we ate in Egypt at no cost—also the cucumbers, melons, leeks, onions and garlic. ⁶But now we have lost our appetite; we never see anything but this manna!”

⁷The manna was like coriander seed and looked like resin. ⁸The people went around gathering it, and then ground it in a handmill or crushed it in a mortar. They cooked it in a pot or made it into cakes. And it tasted like something made with olive oil. ⁹When the dew settled on the camp at night, the manna also came down.

¹⁰Moses heard the people of every family wailing, each at the entrance to his tent. The LORD became exceedingly angry, and Moses was troubled. ¹¹He asked the LORD, “Why have you brought this trouble on your servant? What have I done to displease you that you put the burden of all these people on me? ¹²Did I conceive all these people? Did I give them birth? Why do you tell me to carry them in my arms, as a nurse carries an infant, to the land you promised on oath to their forefathers? ¹³Where can I get meat for all these people? They keep wailing to me, ‘Give us meat to eat!’ ¹⁴I cannot carry all these people by myself; the burden is too heavy for me. ¹⁵If this is how you are going to treat me, put me to death right now—if I have found favor in your eyes—and do not let me face my own ruin.”
Numbers 11:1-15

Moses has been through a lot. Standing up to Pharaoh all those times. All those plagues. The faith required to lead the people to this point. Finally he reaches a breaking point, crying out to the Lord “If this is how you are going to treat me, put me to death right now.”

Wow. Pretty strong statement.

What drove him over the edge? It was the complaining of the people. Moses heard the people of every family wailing. Hearing the people entrusted to his care complaining is what sent him over the edge. I wonder how many times I’ve complained and it caused my pastor to cry out to the Lord in frustration? I don’t complain a lot…but any is too much. It grieves me to think of the impact that our complaints have on the men and women God has sent to encourage and strengthen us.

I could go on about how the people were really complaining about God, or how they were dissing the miraculous provision He was faithfully sending each day, or how the people were begging to go back to Egypt – the place where they were in bondage to slavery. But I won’t. I’ll let you glean those lessons for yourself. Today, I’m grieved that it was the complaining that caused their spiritual leader to doubt himself. “What have I done to displease you that you put the burden of all these people on me?” he asked God.

Let’s not be people who cause our leaders to throw up their hands in frustration and defeat. Let’s not be people who cause our leaders to doubt their own position and behavior.

Encourage your pastor today!

1 Corinthians isn’t the only place I go for advice about love, though. I also look to all of Paul’s prayers for the saints, and I pray them regularly for my husband. I do not pray for changes in his behavior. I do not pray for changes in his attitudes. I pray that he might know Christ. Here are two sample prayers from the book of Ephesians:

¹⁷I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. ¹⁸I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, ¹⁹and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, ²⁰which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, ²¹far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come.
Ephesians 1:17-21

¹⁶I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Ephesians 3:16-19

When I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t sleep, I pray these types of prayers for my husband. I place my hand on his back and I ask the Lord to give Phil the Spirit of wisdom and revelation so that he may know Christ better. I pray that the eyes of his heart would be opened so that he would see the hope to which he has been called. I pray that he might know the glorious inheritance he has and the incomparably great power that is his in Christ.

Yes, I’ve invested some effort to try to memorize the passages, or at least phrases from them. I made the effort and I pray these types of prayers because I love my husband and more than anything else want God’s best for him. I’m confident that as He comes to know Christ better his life will be enriched in ways that I can’t begin to imagine. Why limit my prayers for him with things I can imagine when God has so much more for him? Why would I want to pray that he would change some behavior that annoys me when God is probably using that behavior to make me more like Christ?

Of course, I’ll receive benefit from God’s answers to my prayers – my life will be enriched as his life is enriched. My life will hold greater adventure as he grabs hold of all God has for him. My life will be more stable when he further embraces Godly wisdom. My motivation to pray for him, however, is my love for him, not what I’ll get out of the deal. Because I made a vow to love, honor and cherish him almost thirty-two years ago. Praying that he would know Christ more intimately is just one of the ways I keep making that same decision every day.

True Love is More about Love than Romance
Well, what started as a single blog about Valentine’s day became so long I had to break it into three parts – and I haven’t said a thing about romance. That’s because true love is more about choosing to love our spouse than sharing romantic dinners while watching the sunset on a beautiful beach (or majestic mountains, if you prefer). The romance is wonderful, but the day to day reality is where we all live.

As I wrote in part 1 of this series, most of it was written on Valentine’s Day while watching schmaltzy romance movies on TV. (My husband was working until midnight.) What strikes me is that the world’s concept of Valentine’s Day is all about hearts and romance and I’ve gone through the whole day without either! But I have something more enduring than hearts and romance. I have a mutual love commitment that my husband and I renew every day. And I have a promise from the Word of God that love never fails. Hearts and romance fail, but love never fails.

(Now I’m off to plan a little hearts and romance! Love will provide the steel spine and unbreakable will of my marriage, but I’m happy to have hearts and romance can add some sparkle to that structure.)

Our society has a very warped idea about what love is. In fact, Valentine’s Day itself helps to warp our ideas about love. While I have nothing against romance – In fact, I like it! – I recognize that it has little to do with real love.

1 Corinthians 13 teaches and reminds us what love is:

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ⁸Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

What a challenge to live out that definition! Hearts and romance is much easier. Unfortunately, hearts and romance by itself doesn’t lead to marriages with steel spines and unbreakable wills. Love does.

This passage is often quoted at weddings. I think it’s more appropriate to quote it at each anniversary celebration. Let’s look at the passage in light of the question “Am I making the same decision today that I made when I married?”

Love is patient. Have I been patient with my spouse today? Have I shown at least as much patience with him or her as I have with everyone else I’ve met today?

Love is kind. Have I been kind to my spouse today? Have I shown kindness in the tone of my voice and the words I choose? Have I chosen kindness instead of crankiness or frustration or annoyance? Have I chosen kindness instead of nagging or pushing or taking control?

Love does not envy. Have I been content with the life God has given me? Have I been content with the way my spouse contributes to that life?

Love does not boast and is not proud. Does the phrase (or attitude) “I told you so” creep into my conversations with my spouse? Do I have a need to “win” – whether it’s an argument or a conversation about what’s for dinner, do I celebrate a victory (internally or outwardly) when I get my way?

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Do I eschew sin and rejoice in God’s truth with my spouse? In other words, do I pursue the best things with my spouse – the things that God has for us – or do I drag him or her away from God and toward sin? Do I rejoice with my spouse when truth wins out?

Love always protects. Do I protect my spouse, or do I speak ill of him or her when they are not around? Do I absolutely refuse to engage in gossip about my spouse? Do I absolutely refuse to enter conversations that degrade not only my spouse, but men or women in general? When men tell demeaning jokes about women, they are disrespecting their wives. Likewise, when women tell demeaning jokes about men, they are disrespecting their husbands.

Love always trusts. Do I resist the temptation to be jealous? Do I choose to trust my spouse and his or her decisions or do I insist on being in control of everything?

Love always hopes. Do I look at my spouse with hope in my eyes? Do I anticipate the future with my spouse and expect good things in that future?

Love always perseveres. Do I do all of the above again and again and again? Do I make the same decision every day?

There are some hard questions in there, and I am not saying that there aren’t times when serious conversations are needed. There are times when I say, “Sweetheart, something’s not working for me. It feels like…I need…..” But those are discussions, not arguments. And they are discussions I have with my spouse, not with my girlfriends. Sometimes they are hard discussions and sometimes they end up with me realizing that I’m being unreasonable. Sometimes they end in a bit of a stalemate, and sometimes my sweetie comes to understand my position and tries to make changes in his behavior.

I’m also not saying that there is never a time to go to a trusted friend or advisor and ask for advice in a difficult situation. The key words are “a trusted friend or advisor.” Just one, not lots and lots until you find someone who agrees with you or until you have a consensus that 51% of the people you shared with agree with you. And make that one someone you trust to offer biblical advice and maintain confidentiality. The counselor who offers worldly advice is likely more influenced by hearts and romance than love that holds on with everything in it to protect and defend its territory. That kind of love builds lasting marriages.

I go to other places in Scripture for marriage advice – places where Paul prays for all believers to know Christ better. Tomorrow we’ll look at some of those prayers.

Vows are Made for Keeping
I watched a television program last week in which one of the characters learned that a friend she had known for years had been in love with her all along, but had been too shy to say anything. So fifteen years ago she married someone else. To him, it appeared that her marriage had long ago gone stale. Upon learning that this dear friend had loved her all along, she said to another friend, “I made a decision fifteen years ago. And I continue to make that decision every day.” What a great quote! If everyone who was married had the perspective that they were making the same decision every day, there would be fewer divorces and, I think, many happier marriages. Perhaps to the reader it sounds like the quote was said out of martyrdom or self-pity. No, they were said softly, but with conviction and purpose and a determination to remember that decision of fifteen years earlier and all that went into it, and to make that same decision every day of her life.

So all this got me to thinking about the wedding vows my husband and I took more than thirty years ago.

I, Sandra Jane Parks, take you Philip Glen Hovatter, to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.

The truth is that I was not a Christian at the time I made those vows, and I made them madly in love, but with the reservation in my heart that if the marriage did not work out, I would not live in an unhappy marriage for the rest of my life. Twice since then we have renewed our vows, in both cases after I came to know Christ as Savior and Friend. The vows have more meaning to me now than they did the first time I said them.

Phil and I have been blessed with an incredibly happy marriage – a feat we credit primarily to God and in a minor part to one another (I to him and he to me) because neither of us grew up in households where our parents had loving marriages and we each figure the other one has more to put up with than we do (a great attitude to have for a good marriage).

At the risk of making our marriage a target, I’d like to offer some questions and comments to spur us on to better marriages – marriages with steel spines and unbreakable wills. Questions and comments that may help us focus on continuing to make that decision to be married every day.

“To have and to hold” – Do we take time to hold one another often? It’s so easy to fall into “business as usual” in a marriage. String too many of those days together and soon we begin to treat our co-workers and employees better than our spouse. When my husband leaves I nearly always make a point of meeting him at the door and giving him a kiss goodbye. Worst case, I yell from the basement or the second floor “I love you! See you soon!” I don’t ever want him to leave without me telling him how important he is to me.

“From this day forward” – As far as I can tell, it is still “forward.” I’m to do all the things I’ve promised, beginning on our wedding day and all the days after. This is so important, that it is reinforced by the last line – “from this day forward until death do us part.” Am I still doing all those things every day?

“For better or for worse” – If you’ve been married more than a week, you already realize that there are “worse” days. Not only do you realize it, you’ve experienced it. If you’ve been married several years, perhaps you’ve experienced many “worse” days strung together. But the vow we made was to have and to hold during those worse days – to say “I love you” during the worse days, not just the better days; to do our part to make worse days better, and better days even better. Worse days are not days for bailing. They’re days for loving.

“For richer, for poorer” – Phil and I have been both. Actually, we’re in a “poorer” stage right now. I’m incredibly thankful for the richer days and I’m also thankful for the poorer ones. In the poorer days, I appreciate my husband as much as in the richer days. He is still the man I love, respect and married. His character and nature haven’t changed because there is less money in the bank or because we eat rice and beans instead of our favorite restaurant foods.

“In sickness and in health” – Again, we’ve had “sickness” days and “health” days. I’m not a good caregiver, so the sickness days challenge me. I have to regularly remind myself how much I love my husband, how thankful I am when he serves me in sickness, and how horrible I feel when I’m sick. But I signed up for both. I don’t intend to break a vow just because of the inconvenience of sickness. I’m choosing, each day, to make the same decision I made more than thirty years ago.

“To love and to cherish” – I love that both words “love” and “cherish” are used in the phrase. To me, they connotatively mean something very different. “Love” is the holding very tightly to one’s chest kind of emotion; “cherish” is the gently stroking one’s face kind of emotion. Both are needed in a healthy marriage.

It can be easy to forget what the word “love” means, especially in our society that has the meaning of the word quite jumbled. Tomorrow’s blog will look at what Scripture says about love and we’ll ask ourselves some pointed questions to see if we’re on track.

These are the vows I took on July 1, 1978. As the character in the television show said, “I make them again every day.” It is my pleasure to do so, and it is my honor to do so – because vows are made for keeping.