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Praying for Your Spouse
Yesterday’s blog looked at the “love” passage from 1 Corinthians 13, and I challenged each of us to put the characteristics of love into practice every day in our marriages.

1 Corinthians isn’t the only place I go for advice about love, though. I also look to all of Paul’s prayers for the saints, and I pray them regularly for my husband. I do not pray for changes in his behavior. I do not pray for changes in his attitudes. I pray that he might know Christ. Here are two sample prayers from the book of Ephesians:

¹⁷I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. ¹⁸I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, ¹⁹and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, ²⁰which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, ²¹far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come.
Ephesians 1:17-21

¹⁶I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Ephesians 3:16-19

When I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t sleep, I pray these types of prayers for my husband. I place my hand on his back and I ask the Lord to give Phil the Spirit of wisdom and revelation so that he may know Christ better. I pray that the eyes of his heart would be opened so that he would see the hope to which he has been called. I pray that he might know the glorious inheritance he has and the incomparably great power that is his in Christ.

Yes, I’ve invested some effort to try to memorize the passages, or at least phrases from them. I made the effort and I pray these types of prayers because I love my husband and more than anything else want God’s best for him. I’m confident that as He comes to know Christ better his life will be enriched in ways that I can’t begin to imagine. Why limit my prayers for him with things I can imagine when God has so much more for him? Why would I want to pray that he would change some behavior that annoys me when God is probably using that behavior to make me more like Christ?

Of course, I’ll receive benefit from God’s answers to my prayers – my life will be enriched as his life is enriched. My life will hold greater adventure as he grabs hold of all God has for him. My life will be more stable when he further embraces Godly wisdom. My motivation to pray for him, however, is my love for him, not what I’ll get out of the deal. Because I made a vow to love, honor and cherish him almost thirty-two years ago. Praying that he would know Christ more intimately is just one of the ways I keep making that same decision every day.

True Love is More about Love than Romance
Well, what started as a single blog about Valentine’s day became so long I had to break it into three parts – and I haven’t said a thing about romance. That’s because true love is more about choosing to love our spouse than sharing romantic dinners while watching the sunset on a beautiful beach (or majestic mountains, if you prefer). The romance is wonderful, but the day to day reality is where we all live.

As I wrote in part 1 of this series, most of it was written on Valentine’s Day while watching schmaltzy romance movies on TV. (My husband was working until midnight.) What strikes me is that the world’s concept of Valentine’s Day is all about hearts and romance and I’ve gone through the whole day without either! But I have something more enduring than hearts and romance. I have a mutual love commitment that my husband and I renew every day. And I have a promise from the Word of God that love never fails. Hearts and romance fail, but love never fails.

(Now I’m off to plan a little hearts and romance! Love will provide the steel spine and unbreakable will of my marriage, but I’m happy to have hearts and romance can add some sparkle to that structure.)

Love, Love, Love
The decision to get married wasn’t one I made lightly over thirty years ago. In fact, I almost bailed about a month before the ceremony! (I’m so glad I didn’t.) In yesterday’s blog I looked at the vows I took on July 1, 1978, and I asked the question “Do I continue to make the same decision today that I made then?” The vows ended with the phrase “to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.” Today I’d like to look at what it means to love.

Our society has a very warped idea about what love is. In fact, Valentine’s Day itself helps to warp our ideas about love. While I have nothing against romance – In fact, I like it! – I recognize that it has little to do with real love.

1 Corinthians 13 teaches and reminds us what love is:

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ⁸Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

What a challenge to live out that definition! Hearts and romance is much easier. Unfortunately, hearts and romance by itself doesn’t lead to marriages with steel spines and unbreakable wills. Love does.

This passage is often quoted at weddings. I think it’s more appropriate to quote it at each anniversary celebration. Let’s look at the passage in light of the question “Am I making the same decision today that I made when I married?”

Love is patient. Have I been patient with my spouse today? Have I shown at least as much patience with him or her as I have with everyone else I’ve met today?

Love is kind. Have I been kind to my spouse today? Have I shown kindness in the tone of my voice and the words I choose? Have I chosen kindness instead of crankiness or frustration or annoyance? Have I chosen kindness instead of nagging or pushing or taking control?

Love does not envy. Have I been content with the life God has given me? Have I been content with the way my spouse contributes to that life?

Love does not boast and is not proud. Does the phrase (or attitude) “I told you so” creep into my conversations with my spouse? Do I have a need to “win” – whether it’s an argument or a conversation about what’s for dinner, do I celebrate a victory (internally or outwardly) when I get my way?

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Do I eschew sin and rejoice in God’s truth with my spouse? In other words, do I pursue the best things with my spouse – the things that God has for us – or do I drag him or her away from God and toward sin? Do I rejoice with my spouse when truth wins out?

Love always protects. Do I protect my spouse, or do I speak ill of him or her when they are not around? Do I absolutely refuse to engage in gossip about my spouse? Do I absolutely refuse to enter conversations that degrade not only my spouse, but men or women in general? When men tell demeaning jokes about women, they are disrespecting their wives. Likewise, when women tell demeaning jokes about men, they are disrespecting their husbands.

Love always trusts. Do I resist the temptation to be jealous? Do I choose to trust my spouse and his or her decisions or do I insist on being in control of everything?

Love always hopes. Do I look at my spouse with hope in my eyes? Do I anticipate the future with my spouse and expect good things in that future?

Love always perseveres. Do I do all of the above again and again and again? Do I make the same decision every day?

There are some hard questions in there, and I am not saying that there aren’t times when serious conversations are needed. There are times when I say, “Sweetheart, something’s not working for me. It feels like…I need…..” But those are discussions, not arguments. And they are discussions I have with my spouse, not with my girlfriends. Sometimes they are hard discussions and sometimes they end up with me realizing that I’m being unreasonable. Sometimes they end in a bit of a stalemate, and sometimes my sweetie comes to understand my position and tries to make changes in his behavior.

I’m also not saying that there is never a time to go to a trusted friend or advisor and ask for advice in a difficult situation. The key words are “a trusted friend or advisor.” Just one, not lots and lots until you find someone who agrees with you or until you have a consensus that 51% of the people you shared with agree with you. And make that one someone you trust to offer biblical advice and maintain confidentiality. The counselor who offers worldly advice is likely more influenced by hearts and romance than love that holds on with everything in it to protect and defend its territory. That kind of love builds lasting marriages.

I go to other places in Scripture for marriage advice – places where Paul prays for all believers to know Christ better. Tomorrow we’ll look at some of those prayers.

So I had most of Valentine’s Day to myself. I turned schmaltzy romance movies on TV and begin to think about Valentine’s Day and love. What resulted was a three-part blog about love, vows and romance. Yes, it’s after Valentine’s Day, but I hope you’ll stick with me for the next three days because I’m confident that there are questions in these blogs that will help us keep the romance alive in our marriages – although you might find your definition of romance being slightly altered before you get to the end.

Vows are Made for Keeping
I watched a television program last week in which one of the characters learned that a friend she had known for years had been in love with her all along, but had been too shy to say anything. So fifteen years ago she married someone else. To him, it appeared that her marriage had long ago gone stale. Upon learning that this dear friend had loved her all along, she said to another friend, “I made a decision fifteen years ago. And I continue to make that decision every day.” What a great quote! If everyone who was married had the perspective that they were making the same decision every day, there would be fewer divorces and, I think, many happier marriages. Perhaps to the reader it sounds like the quote was said out of martyrdom or self-pity. No, they were said softly, but with conviction and purpose and a determination to remember that decision of fifteen years earlier and all that went into it, and to make that same decision every day of her life.

So all this got me to thinking about the wedding vows my husband and I took more than thirty years ago.

I, Sandra Jane Parks, take you Philip Glen Hovatter, to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.

The truth is that I was not a Christian at the time I made those vows, and I made them madly in love, but with the reservation in my heart that if the marriage did not work out, I would not live in an unhappy marriage for the rest of my life. Twice since then we have renewed our vows, in both cases after I came to know Christ as Savior and Friend. The vows have more meaning to me now than they did the first time I said them.

Phil and I have been blessed with an incredibly happy marriage – a feat we credit primarily to God and in a minor part to one another (I to him and he to me) because neither of us grew up in households where our parents had loving marriages and we each figure the other one has more to put up with than we do (a great attitude to have for a good marriage).

At the risk of making our marriage a target, I’d like to offer some questions and comments to spur us on to better marriages – marriages with steel spines and unbreakable wills. Questions and comments that may help us focus on continuing to make that decision to be married every day.

“To have and to hold” – Do we take time to hold one another often? It’s so easy to fall into “business as usual” in a marriage. String too many of those days together and soon we begin to treat our co-workers and employees better than our spouse. When my husband leaves I nearly always make a point of meeting him at the door and giving him a kiss goodbye. Worst case, I yell from the basement or the second floor “I love you! See you soon!” I don’t ever want him to leave without me telling him how important he is to me.

“From this day forward” – As far as I can tell, it is still “forward.” I’m to do all the things I’ve promised, beginning on our wedding day and all the days after. This is so important, that it is reinforced by the last line – “from this day forward until death do us part.” Am I still doing all those things every day?

“For better or for worse” – If you’ve been married more than a week, you already realize that there are “worse” days. Not only do you realize it, you’ve experienced it. If you’ve been married several years, perhaps you’ve experienced many “worse” days strung together. But the vow we made was to have and to hold during those worse days – to say “I love you” during the worse days, not just the better days; to do our part to make worse days better, and better days even better. Worse days are not days for bailing. They’re days for loving.

“For richer, for poorer” – Phil and I have been both. Actually, we’re in a “poorer” stage right now. I’m incredibly thankful for the richer days and I’m also thankful for the poorer ones. In the poorer days, I appreciate my husband as much as in the richer days. He is still the man I love, respect and married. His character and nature haven’t changed because there is less money in the bank or because we eat rice and beans instead of our favorite restaurant foods.

“In sickness and in health” – Again, we’ve had “sickness” days and “health” days. I’m not a good caregiver, so the sickness days challenge me. I have to regularly remind myself how much I love my husband, how thankful I am when he serves me in sickness, and how horrible I feel when I’m sick. But I signed up for both. I don’t intend to break a vow just because of the inconvenience of sickness. I’m choosing, each day, to make the same decision I made more than thirty years ago.

“To love and to cherish” – I love that both words “love” and “cherish” are used in the phrase. To me, they connotatively mean something very different. “Love” is the holding very tightly to one’s chest kind of emotion; “cherish” is the gently stroking one’s face kind of emotion. Both are needed in a healthy marriage.

It can be easy to forget what the word “love” means, especially in our society that has the meaning of the word quite jumbled. Tomorrow’s blog will look at what Scripture says about love and we’ll ask ourselves some pointed questions to see if we’re on track.

These are the vows I took on July 1, 1978. As the character in the television show said, “I make them again every day.” It is my pleasure to do so, and it is my honor to do so – because vows are made for keeping.

Today is my husband’s birthday. The day his mom struggled then knew the joy of having her fourth (and last) child. The day he cried his first audible (to humans) cry. More likely than not, the day I was conceived. Since I was born 9 months to the day after Phil was born, we often say that God created me especially for him as a gift to him on his true birth day.

I think it would more accurately be said (from my perspective) that the Lord who knew me even before I was conceived was working, even before I was conceived, to create the perfect husband for me.

 I wrote this tribute in 2008, but was reluctant to publish it in my blog because it seemed so self serving. This year, I am rejecting that notion for several reasons.

• Phil has been a fantastic example of a godly husband throughout our marriage. If reading this helps any man become a better husband to his wife, that is a worthwhile use of this space.
• Our culture is awash with women who do not choose to honor their husbands. If this blog encourages a single wife to honor her husband today, it is a worthwhile use of this space.
• This tribute gives a glimpse of a life lived for Christ and a marriage committed to Christ. There will always be difficult times to work through and doing so together is one of the joys of marriage.

With that being said, here is my tribute to the greatest man on earth!

Phil –

Thank you for loving me. For seeing in me more than I could ever see in myself. For showing me God’s unconditional love. It seems that no matter how much I fall short, you love me. And without heaping negativity on me in any form, you urge me to become better than I am.

Thank you for being my cheerleader, loving me the way God created me and encouraging me to  be me when others have said “no, you can’t.”

Thank you for making up for my weaknesses (like not cooking or cleaning much), covering them with your actions, demonstrating your love for me.

Thank you for putting our future ahead of our past and our present. For always knowing that God had more for us, even when I slid toward doubt.

Thank you for introducing me to God. For your tenacious faith in the midst of my anti-faith. For your patience and perseverance until the Holy Spirit to change my heart.

Thank you for pursuing God in good times and bad. For all you’ve taught me as we study together or prepare to teach others together. What a blessing to be a study partner with you! You enrich my relationship with God.

Thank you for encouraging and guiding my walk with God. For recommending books you think I should read. For asking me how my spiritual life is going. For praying for and with me.

Thank you for your tender heart and willingness to take risks. What a risk I was 32 years ago! (And maybe still am today!) Thanks for seeing the payoff, even before I did.

Thank you for being my business partner for 21 years and my life partner for 31. What a life! God has been so very good to me!

Thank you for holding me together in the hard times, for celebrating with me in the great times and for making the in-between times more fun that they ought to have been! Thank you for being the fun that balances my seriousness.

Thank you for loving me.

I love you…more than you can ever know, more than I can ever say.

Happy birthday, love.

My husband loves our dog! He loves me too, but sometimes I have to admit to being jealous of our four-legged, furry “child!” Sometimes I sit in my chair and hear my husband begin to talk “sweet talk” to the dog and I feel jealous. He’s telling her what a good dog she is, and he’s paying attention to her and asking her what she needs and wants. As he’s fixing a snack he’s telling her what he’s doing, “involving” her in his daily tasks.

And then it hits me…Sweetie (our dog) “presents” herself to her dog dad several times a day, looking up expectantly at him, wagging her tail, essentially saying “I’m here. I’m cute. I want your attention. Come play with me.” How often do I do that? How often do I put everything I’m doing down, go over to my husband and ask for a kiss and hug?

I try to always stop what I’m doing and kiss him when he leaves the house. Anything could happen out there and I want to be sure I’ve kissed him goodbye. I want my love for him to be something that helps him get through the stresses of the day, rather than an argument or distance in our marriage add to problems he’ll face while he’s out.

Those are good things, but the dog reminds me that I’m lax at home. Sometimes, especially when life gets busy (and when doesn’t it), we hardly talk throughout the day or even in the evening. Sweetie, on the other hand, lifts her head (from her nap), “smiles” and wags her tail. When he sits down, she will get up and go over to be petted and hear him talk to her. Sometimes I stop what I’m doing to greet him…if I’m not concentrating on what I’m doing.

I think it’s time for me to take some lessons from my dog. How about you? Do you pay enough attention to your spouse during the day? I have no doubt that it would be a good thing. Give it a try! I’m going to.